winter hits me like the Berlin wall, forced into separation and feeling like a captive to someone elses' struggle.
i am confused and feeling betrayed that the sun can shine and the skies can be blue as any summer day but, the chill of these days are biting and deceptive. i long for the out side and have made a commitment this season to myself that i will not allow the winter to keep me locked up so i have begun the acclamation to it's desire. i am learning to "conform", a word of which i have rebelled against my whole life, it does not roll easily from my tongue and my teeth tend to grit and chew it's entrails as it spills out. i still can not say it out loud, that it would make it so...
there are moments of screaming in my head that i can not hear that it is even morning, have i slept? the mind grows week and still seeks the comfort of rest. days are shorter and the dark comes early, before i have even realized that the sun is once again, up.
but, there are also days on my winter roller coaster that i realize things will manage themselves to my liking once again, the positive always seeking it's way in, everything happening for a reason? no no, surely not, we decide always, the choices, it is the path that we choose already knowing ahead the consequences it will bring. we are no longer naive beings.
today the sun is shining, it is warm enough. coffee in hand, pup at my side and already thinking that my run this morning will bring me warmth and peace of mind.
waking to the sound of my sister's voice through the receiver, opening mail to the fruition of my decisions and work and struggles, sharing with a sweet friend the thoughts of each day, the things that we understand to be special in each one. today life is good, i see a small crack in the wall and i can see clear through to the other side, i have heard that it will come down soon...
