winter hits me like the Berlin wall, forced into separation and feeling like a captive to someone elses' struggle.
i am confused and feeling betrayed that the sun can shine and the skies can be blue as any summer day but, the chill of these days are biting and deceptive. i long for the out side and have made a commitment this season to myself that i will not allow the winter to keep me locked up so i have begun the acclamation to it's desire. i am learning to "conform", a word of which i have rebelled against my whole life, it does not roll easily from my tongue and my teeth tend to grit and chew it's entrails as it spills out. i still can not say it out loud, that it would make it so...
there are moments of screaming in my head that i can not hear that it is even morning, have i slept? the mind grows week and still seeks the comfort of rest. days are shorter and the dark comes early, before i have even realized that the sun is once again, up.
but, there are also days on my winter roller coaster that i realize things will manage themselves to my liking once again, the positive always seeking it's way in, everything happening for a reason? no no, surely not, we decide always, the choices, it is the path that we choose already knowing ahead the consequences it will bring. we are no longer naive beings.
today the sun is shining, it is warm enough. coffee in hand, pup at my side and already thinking that my run this morning will bring me warmth and peace of mind.
waking to the sound of my sister's voice through the receiver, opening mail to the fruition of my decisions and work and struggles, sharing with a sweet friend the thoughts of each day, the things that we understand to be special in each one. today life is good, i see a small crack in the wall and i can see clear through to the other side, i have heard that it will come down soon...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
WINNEBAGO DREAMS AND A SIX PACK
So the concept of Winnebago living began with making up fun and fantasised stories, the world of could be's and what ifs, a way of playing truth or dare without either party ever really needing to fess up to the consequences. A six pack of favorite brew tends to make stories more enticing, lets you really go out on a limb. HeHe, sometimes, not.
A very male part time partner, no not partner,a friend maybe? No, not even friends with benefits, maybe like a playmate that you feel connected too, but you are always naked and there is never enough beer.
That being said, I told a story of my playmate being highly successful and possibly ruling the world someday, sort of super hero without the magic cape, like "Taking on the world without climbing tall buildings or doing anything really with a single bound!"
In his story there is no super hero,no colorful comics and certainly no great successes. Or is there. After popping open our 3rd beer of the evening he looks at me as if really contemplating what to say...I was expecting something grand like I would be a famous actress or singer traveling the world, or at the least win the lottery. No such luck..."Ya know, he said, I see you older (that's always nice), wearing pig tails (immature, I'm 30 something), your hair is long and gray (never!), you have on bell bottoms ( OK, that's cool) and some really cool t-shirt, just you and your cat(my cat will be dead by then) and a Winnebago (scary!) traveling the world."
I believe I sat silent for a moment, taking it in. As the images began to take place inside this over active brain, I realized that I actually liked what I was seeing. It made me smile and like him more as a human being then before, I actually saw him as a human being; I liked that he knew me this well and that he knew I would find something comforting in what he had said, I also knew that though he would continue to become more successful, he wished it could be him.
These days I find myself closer to that person, almost as though I have been intentionally whacking away at the weeds and clearing the trail to reach that woman. When I have confidently found her...I think I'll install four wheel drive in that Winnebago.
Oh yeah, gotta love six packs and dreamin.
A very male part time partner, no not partner,a friend maybe? No, not even friends with benefits, maybe like a playmate that you feel connected too, but you are always naked and there is never enough beer.
That being said, I told a story of my playmate being highly successful and possibly ruling the world someday, sort of super hero without the magic cape, like "Taking on the world without climbing tall buildings or doing anything really with a single bound!"
In his story there is no super hero,no colorful comics and certainly no great successes. Or is there. After popping open our 3rd beer of the evening he looks at me as if really contemplating what to say...I was expecting something grand like I would be a famous actress or singer traveling the world, or at the least win the lottery. No such luck..."Ya know, he said, I see you older (that's always nice), wearing pig tails (immature, I'm 30 something), your hair is long and gray (never!), you have on bell bottoms ( OK, that's cool) and some really cool t-shirt, just you and your cat(my cat will be dead by then) and a Winnebago (scary!) traveling the world."
I believe I sat silent for a moment, taking it in. As the images began to take place inside this over active brain, I realized that I actually liked what I was seeing. It made me smile and like him more as a human being then before, I actually saw him as a human being; I liked that he knew me this well and that he knew I would find something comforting in what he had said, I also knew that though he would continue to become more successful, he wished it could be him.
These days I find myself closer to that person, almost as though I have been intentionally whacking away at the weeds and clearing the trail to reach that woman. When I have confidently found her...I think I'll install four wheel drive in that Winnebago.
Oh yeah, gotta love six packs and dreamin.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
ROADS THAT AREN'T ON THE MAP...
Listening to Tom Waits sing "Chocolate Jesus" while I think of holidays, the meaning of the whole thing, realizing that I really don't believe in any particular religion, I do however believe in chocolate and I have a feeling Jesus was just a regular guy and the people needed something to believe in; even as the world does now.
I really don't speak politics or religion and there is no money to talk about, I sit on a fence, with out trust in any of it and the really weird part about that is I am fine with it. And maybe, being poor is making me a happier person.
somehow being forced down a road I have never been on is opening new possibilities. I would like to think that this is solely my road, and to some degree i suppose it is, but I am passing so many others on this unpaved muse that I see that I am not alone. So many are walking this now, so many women, so many men all over the world. It seems as though we are all looking for that one thing or even that one sacrifice that would change the lives of all the people, somehow the goal is always the same, even if there is selfishness in the steps, we hope that the achievement will benefit all.
I recently viewed a video of the Dali lama being asked about politics and religion and how hard it is for these folks to communicate and be kind in their words and ways; he said..."festivals! there should be more festivals and picnics for a while, and then they should sit and talk."
He makes me laugh, I think he is right.
I really don't speak politics or religion and there is no money to talk about, I sit on a fence, with out trust in any of it and the really weird part about that is I am fine with it. And maybe, being poor is making me a happier person.
somehow being forced down a road I have never been on is opening new possibilities. I would like to think that this is solely my road, and to some degree i suppose it is, but I am passing so many others on this unpaved muse that I see that I am not alone. So many are walking this now, so many women, so many men all over the world. It seems as though we are all looking for that one thing or even that one sacrifice that would change the lives of all the people, somehow the goal is always the same, even if there is selfishness in the steps, we hope that the achievement will benefit all.
I recently viewed a video of the Dali lama being asked about politics and religion and how hard it is for these folks to communicate and be kind in their words and ways; he said..."festivals! there should be more festivals and picnics for a while, and then they should sit and talk."
He makes me laugh, I think he is right.
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